Thirteen years and counting

It's strange how casual conversations can induce long and serious thoughts. It's not stranger than realizing how I made it 13 years without something that I'd not have dreamed of living for 13 days. That's about the best sentence structure I could come up with after hundreds of revisions.

Taking the train back to 2001...
Date: 26th March
Time: Around 2:15 PM

My hands were shivering. I was almost about to cry (and after about 2 mins I did). My body was visibly trembling. The worst nightmare I had convinced my paranoid self that wouldn't happen was unraveling before me. All the smart ass quirks and the happy-go-lucky nature that I had always enjoyed weren't going to help me. I did not know the phrase back then, but if it had happened today, I'd have exasperated, "I'm screwed". As the first round of tears rolled down my cheeks, I could feel the heat. I was probably running a slight temperature. I was scared. Drops of tears blotted parts of the text on the paper lying on the desk. I looked again. Nothing! The day had come finally when I did not have a clue about anything in the Biology question paper.

Throughout my school days the only subjects I liked were Maths and English. I'd have read my English books completely within two days of receiving the text books (even before school started), had killer instincts (not knowledge) when it came to English grammar, loved to write my own essays for the non-detail courses and I was allowed to listen to music or watch television when I practiced Maths (which I was prepared to do all day/whenever). I had the charm of sneaking my way through exams even though I never paid attention to any classes in school. How? I'd choose a few topics picked out mostly as samples, read and understand them in a made up way I can remember. I would be able to answer enough to pass and the moment I had the confidence of scoring 60-70 marks (out of 100) in the exam or if someone else was on the verge of finishing the exam (whichever happened first), I'd stop writing even if there were more questions I could answer. I never failed an exam in school (even if it was a class test). Until then!

My mom was a teacher and used to conduct tuition for around 40 students. Her students comprised of the brightest Rank 1 holders to the precious Mark 1 holders (scoring only 1 mark out of 100). She had a terrific record as a teacher. She had enormous success in terms of progress. The progress was not just about marks. It was methodical. She literally created career paths for many of her students. However, there was one student who always failed her. No prizes for guessing - ME! She had tried force, patience, sending me to another teacher, nice words, beatings, shaming etc. I was just not interested. I always thought she was feeling ashamed that her son was not standing up among her super stars. I also thought it was not fair to think that and most importantly, I neither tried nor cared to try. As long as I passed and went on to the next class, I gave myself an "Exceeded Expectations" rating.

But, it was all coming to an end. There I was, sitting for the first annual exam (biology) in my 9th standard. Even if I wrote stories, I wouldn't be able to write 10 terms in biology w.r.t the question paper. There was no doubt I was going to fail that paper, which meant I was going to have to repeat 9th standard. I was sobbing at the thought of this. The invigilator (Mr. Senram) noticed this and patted on my back. He was sympathetic, but there was nothing he could do. He quietly said, "Don't worry ra! Write what you know". It did not help that he had asked the absentees to stand up (for taking count) before the exam started. Even that was not going to help elate me. I did not know anything. My classmates (those who noticed my sobbing) were looking at me, some staring and some amused. After a while, I just filled a few pages (that would have hardly fetched me 20 marks out of 100 as against the 50 marks needed to pass).

Few hours later...

I was riding my cycle home. I was late by 2 hours than usual. I was just sitting by the basketball court trying to find words to explain to my mom that I was going to have to repeat 9th standard again. I was a bit surprised that my mom hadn't come to school by then looking for me. But, I was sure that she'd be standing outside the gate waiting for me. And as I turned in to my street almost 2 blocks away from my house, I saw her waiting. As I came nearer, I noticed her usual body language of when she's tensed, restless and waiting. Her hands clasped behind her, and though I couldn't see them I was sure that her fingers would be moving against and across each other. Her eyes - a bit red and they'd emote that perfect blend of worry and anger. She had expressive little eyes (probably picked them up from being a Bharatanatyam dancer as a teenager), the expression she has passed on to her grand daughters and something that I prominently notice in the opposite sex. Her entire body would scream that she's feeling unsettled. She'd be standing still though, but not straight, she'd lean a bit towards one side. Her foot - the one on the opposite side towards which she's leaning would be tapping incessantly on the ground.

I was confident that it was going to be a double bonanza that day - for being very late without any communication and for coming with the promise of failing an exam.

As soon as I reached she asked softly, "Yen kanna ithara late?" (why are you so late dear). Her worry took precedence over her anger. I quickly explained my situation without the least remorse in my voice. But, she knew right away that I was scared to death. As I prepared to brace for a furious reaction, she ushered me in to the house, took my bag and put in the sofa and went in to the bedroom. Few minutes later, she called me in there and handed me the phone. My dad (who was out of town that day) was on the line. I was taken by surprise because my dad never interfered in my sister's and my education. It was mom's department. On the other end, my dad sounded very concerned. He told me not to worry and to focus on the other exams. Even if I had to repeat a year he said that it was fine. There was no fury or anger. It was pure concern. After I hung up, she told me to change and start preparing for the next exam. It was English.

I was unusually quiet that evening. I did not bother my sister nor did I move around like I always do. I just sat at my study table and kept reading the same line again and again. It just did not register. I was just reading. I was not sure if it was doing so bad in the exam or my mom's silence that was bothering me. It was all very confusing and sad.

After a while my mom broke her silence. The moment she started to speak, I started crying and started apologizing over and over. She did not say much (which was unusual too). She just told me that if I sincerely prepared for all the other 9 exams and gave my best shot, she'd do everything in her power to request my school management to push me in to the next class. She absolutely had no way to do it, but on that day I'd have believed anything she said. The next two weeks were like a movie scene set on a montage. For the first time in my life I cared about studying. I was frightened about exams. I was determined to pull through. And since it was the first time it was too much for me to take. I created the first of many a havoc for not having performed in the exams to my expectations. It was the most difficult two weeks of my life until then. A month later the results were announced and I was promoted to 10th standard. The most surprising event for me was when I requested for my 9th standard annual exam mark sheet (which is not usually published for annual exams) and saw that I had scored a whopping 63 in Biology (I hardly had written for 40 marks). And I had scored very well in all the other papers.

A year and two months later...

I came sixth (among 150 odd students) in my school in the 10th standard board exams. It was the proudest moment for her, as my mother and as my teacher. I can still hear the screeching sound made by the break of the sunny scooter she rode, as she pulled up in front of my school. I was waiting inside for the results and I ran out as soon I heard the sound. She had looked it up online was telling my score to my cousin who was waiting outside as well. The moment I heard the number I blanked out again. All those reactions from March 26th 2001 came back, only this time they were because of happiness.

That day made a huge difference to who I turned out to be. I started believing in hard work and that it can turn around a lot of things that wouldn't have come your way. I realized that my mom never really cared about the results. With her students, it was different - she was being paid to bring about progress which she did diligently and sincerely. She gave it her best shot. With me, it was always about the effort. Her only expectation from me was that I tried my best, gave life my best shot and that's about it.

I've come a long way from that 10th board exam results. But, that would always be my greatest hit because that was the first, only and last proud moment I gave my mom. She passed away a month later.

It's easy to claim our character during times of glory. Whether that character helps during tougher times is something we'll probably never find out. The real test of character comes during harder times and claiming our character then will tell us who we are and what we are capable of. I learnt this from my mom and I'm still struggling everyday to learn the art with which she lived her life. If I turn out to be half as determined, courageous and strong as her, I'd not have anything more to achieve. It's been 13 years says the calendar, it just seems all very fast, doesn't it?

Miss you ma!

Always ARR

Yesterday (Oct 24th) Rahman performed at Berklee School of Music, Boston, where he was also conferred upon an honorary doctorate. He also conducted a master class at the performance center. I saw this ad back in July and immediately thought that I should be there, but for many reasons I decided against it. I have been to the Jai Ho tour concert at Chennai in 2009, but this would have been an exquisite experience. The sound quality and occasion it would have made it more electrifying.

Last week I drove up to San Franciso with two of my colleagues and the car we had rented happened to house an excellent sound system. We played some of Rahman's classics like Anjalai Anjali, Mettupodu (Duet) and other songs from an SPB-ARR combo playlist on my phone. Suddenly, I remembered about the Berklee concert and amidst all the fun a gush of void filled my heart. I felt really bad about missing the opportunity to see the Mozart of Madras in such live action. When I got home the below promo video was waiting for me on FB. It literally broke my heart.

All these events got me nostalgic and I've been listening to some of his brilliant works from the 90's all week. Those were the days. My family was the main reason I got so hooked to his music. They introduced me to many of his classics like Duet, Minsara Kanavu, Sangamam, Lagaan and Taal. I won't forget the day my cousin played Ghanan Ghanan and Mitwa from Lagaan for me at 11:30 in the night (when we stopped at his place for 10 mins after a day trip to Palakkad). There was a time when Mana Madurai from Minsara Kanavu used to play in a loop in my uncle's car and he used to be so much in awe about those beats. Whenever I listen to Margazhi Thingal from Sangamam I can visualize my cousin Srikanth and my sister Swathi dancing for it in every party we've had since the track came out (including the latest party we had in Nov'13 - they are both married and have a kid each yet they danced as gracefully as ever). I can keep quoting from my big family scrapbook and won't be tired of it. Listening to Rahman is like being with my family.

A few days ago I was driving around El Camino Real with my classmate Kannan, late after dinner just to listen to ARR and he kept on playing wonderful tracks - Kannamoochi (Kandukondain Kandukondain), Pudhu Vellai Mazhai (Roja), Nahin Samne (Taal) and so on. That's when he mentioned, "Man, he has stopped making such music, that's what I told you when we spoke about I". Earlier that evening when we met we started the conversation talking about the tracks of I (which had released couple of days back) and he was disappointed. He wasn't psyched about it on first listening. That has been the story for the past couple of years. I'm not so sure though maybe because I experience the vision bleach equivalent of hearing when I listen to his music. I immediately connect to the sounds that only he is capable of producing.

2014 has been one of the best in a long time now. After so long, there have been back to back releases of albums scored by Rahman. The year started with Highway, an emotional drama and he's been on a long and wide ride since then. After Highway came Kochadaiyaan a period animation drama about a king, then came Lekar Hum Deewana Dil (a crappy romantic movie which I'm not sure why he signed). Kaaviya Thalaivan followed which is again a period film about stage artists from Madurai in the 1920s. Finally came I which supposedly is a romantic thriller and I expect Lingaa (a commercial Rajini film) to release next month as well. Phew! Rahman had this many releases in one year last in 2004. Apart from these, he had two Hollywood releases as well (Million Dollar Arm and Hundred-Foot Journey) and an album called Raunaq. The varied genres, a Shankar movie, period films and a thalaivar movie means he has composed genres ranging across classical songs, fun no brainers like Mawwali Qawaali and Mersalaayitten, an Opera number (Aila Aila) and the list goes on. Extreme stuff.

I would rate Kochadaiyaan and Kaaviya Thalaivan as one of his best albums in recent times. It feels so great to see Rahman back to the basics and in both these albums, he has gone core classical. Idhayam from Kochadaiyaan is my pick of the album and one of his all time best scores - the percussion has been engineered in layers and they tie with each other so beautifully. Medhuvaagathaan is yet another SPB-ARR classic and the mridhangam flows like a pleasant river in that song. The use of KM conservatory choir in the title track Engal Kochadiayaan is awesome - again the classical rendition and the transition between high and flat notes is Rahman's touch. I'm seriously bewildered that the people who made tracks of Sivaji and Endhiran such huge hits didn't find Kochadaiyaan meeting expectations. What did they expect - Kochadaiyaan the king singing Kilimanjaro and Athiradee?

I'm not sure which track to pick from Kaaviya Thalaivan. After a long time, I had an album (even from Rahman's collections) in loop for so many days. Sandikuthirai is a surprise package - so fresh and yet so vintage. The 10 min theater track in Kaaviya Thalaivan titled Alli Arjuna is a collection of 5-6 songs that play out situations from Mahabharatham and the freedom movement, where he takes you back to the age old classical music in Rahman style. Again, the percussion is brilliant for all the tracks. Haricharan and ARR are gradually becoming an epic combo as a close second to SPB and ARR.

It's not just the movies. Raunaq is an album where he composed tunes for six poems written by ex-union minister Kapil Sibal. There was no big hype of hoopla and I'm not sure if many even knew about this quiet album, but what a pleasant experience, especially this one track called Kismat se rendered by Shreya Ghosal - what a master piece.

I just hope 2014 repeats itself every year, but that's the thing about classics - they happen once in a while and that's why they are unique. 

I've traveled with Rahman all along. All my successes, failures, good times, bad times, friendship, heartbreaks, highs, lows, sickness and everyday happenings can be associated with a Rahman number. It'll be ringing in my head no matter what. Be it late night maths practicing during 10th and 12th standard or the all night chats during college, hectic work days/nights in Madurai, Chennai, Shanghai and US, Rahman has kept me company. It's not just the song, it's the memory associated with the song. Always ARR. Forever ARR.

The lost case

I've been piling up a lot of frustration over the last three days, but I've been unusually calm. It's actually not a good sign. I felt terrified about when I was going to explode, who was going to face the slack and how badly it was going to end. I say a simple prayer everyday. "God, please give me the patience to control the urge of punching someone today. I don't think I have it in me to take a return blow." So, blogging about it seemed to be the best idea. I was getting my head around a nice and subtle way to put it out there, which surprisingly was taking my mind off the frustration. But, now, I'm not going to write about that, because I woke up this morning and the first thing I read was: Andhra court issues warrant against MSD. It stumped everything else out of priority.

Disclaimer: I'm obviously going to write totally against it, so, if you are not going to like it, please exit now and we can avoid a war of words later. 

Answers to FAIQs (Frequent Asked Irritating Questions):

1. Yes, I'm such a huge fan/admirer of Dhoni and that has nothing to do about my feelings here. Even if Gambhir/Yuvraj (my least favorite players from the WC winning squad) were in this position, I'd be totally against it. Maybe if it was Nehra/Munaf Patel, I'd still be against it, but, I'm sure I would've had a bit of a laugh too.

2. I belong to the same allegedly 'denigrated' religion in discussion here and I'm a staunch believer in God. But, NO, I don't feel that my religious sentiments are protected one bit more than the way it was before this complaint was filed.

3. No, I will not 'unfriend' you on FB even if we did argue over this. We probably just don't agree about this. It's fine with me.

4. I shared the 'The Hindu' version of this article because I didn't want to hurt the religious sentiment of my blog. Content is the religion of a blog.

To me, the first most disturbing thing about this news was that when more than 50% of the population don't even have time to read Business Today, there was one guy, who (1) saw this, (2) noticed the Reebok shoe among the many other things, (3) connected it to the prospect of handing God a shoe (the brand probably bothered him - Nike/Adidas fan?) (4) got his religious sentiments fatakkk-thattaak broken (Awwww!), (5) took time and effort to file a case (and money - mostly funded, because the character profile doesn't seem the spending-from-pocket type) and (6) the worst of all - DID NOT get thrown out of court. This last point, to me, is most frustrating.

Frankly, I want to file a few law suits too.

Did Dhoni really wear make-up and pose for Business Today or was it just a Photoshop thing? It kind of feels a bit of a let down if he did. My religious sentiments got a tad hurt. Well, cricket is kind of a religion, isn't it?

Suit 1: If he did, as a cricket fan, I want to sue him for wasting time instead of spending that time training for England.

Religious (cricket) sentiments: 1, Indian Cricket: 0

This news piece has got some media publicity because a celebrity (one of the top most) is involved. But, I'm sure there are so many cases like this one which puts so many innocent victims through a lot of pain and stress. People accused of rape will not be punished severely (because that's inhuman - rape is not), people who face massive corruption charges are released on bail and their arrival is celebrated as if they went to jail for freedom struggle (point to re-note here is that they were only released on bail, not cleared of the charges - ha ha, who am I kidding?) and they contest elections, people facing murder charges are in the VIP ward of a top hospital (heart attack - as usual to the rescue), thousands of such cases pending and this suit WAS NOT thrown out of court. Ah!

Suit 2: I want to sue the judicial system itself for spending the tax payers' money for this. Trust me, if they send force to England to bring him down here, I'm seriously considering it. 

Religious sentiments: 1, Judicial System: 0

So, who is this guy? Why does he take it for granted that he is the moral police of my religious beliefs. Who made him my religious sentiment hurt-level monitor? My religion is the probably one of my most personal business and why does he get to decide? And this suit WAS NOT thrown out of court.

Suit 3: I want to sue this guy who filed the law suit in the first place, because he has made it clear that the God I believe to be most supreme can become impure or whatever because he was handed a shoe. And that bloody, hurts my religious sentiments more than anything else. 

Religious Sentiments: 1, Common Sense: 0

When I mentioned this to a colleague today, the first thing he said was, "Didn't a pair of slippers rule Ayodhya (the biggest pain point  for over 2 decades in the country, in terms of religious sentiments) for 14 years?". And this suit WAS NOT thrown out of court. 

Suit 4: Issue arrest warrant to Sage Valmiki who conceived the Ramayana (or track the current living descendant) to clarify what happened there.

Religious Sentiments: 1, Actual Religious Values: 0

And this coming from an Andhra court. Isn't NTR literally considered as Lord Krishna himself? And, this suit WAS NOT thrown out of court.

Suit 5: I want to sue all those who used to perform prayers/arthi in the theatre, when NTR came on screen dressed as Krishna. I won't sue NTR, he undoubtedly pulled off the best on-screen Krishna appearances ever.

Religious Sentiments: 1, Ground Reality: 0

So, if slippers and shoes are such impure things, why don't you walk around without that? In the summer heat of Guntur, you can't afford that because your feet will turn in to pulp. So, you are degrading, no, denigrating shoes which actually feed lakhs of people who belong to the industry.

Suit 6: On behalf of everyone in the shoe making industry - Denigration, it is.

Religious Sentiments: 1, Self Respect: 0

But, what will we do? We have work to do. I have a release tomorrow and I'm writing this post instead of sleeping, only because I have to wait until QA signs off. We will worry about it when it happens to us. We will write blogs. We will post on FB. We will sit at home, in front of the idiot box, enjoy the game and complain that India doesn't play well overseas. We, are the Common Man. 

Suit 7: This lifestyle 'suits' me. Let me enjoy it, while I can.

Religious Sentiments: 1, Common Man: 0

If everyone starts suing for crap that gets printed on the media, TOI would be facing so many law suits that it will have to borrow some space from CNN-IBN to store some of the paper work. Dhoni is obviously not going to jail. But, some idiot down the line is going to keep filing law suits, because he got his psoriasis treated, but the habit of scratching something all the time stuck. A politician quips against severe punishment for rape that 'Boys will be Boys'. We will not sue him, because we are looking for a ticket in to the parliament and not out of it, right?

I'm halting there - abruptly. Not because I don't have anything more to say, but because the moment I decided that my prospects of surviving existed outside the peninsula, I lost my right to complain. All I can do is let out my frustration in the form a few sarcastic quotes. Once in a while, that NRI guilt creeps from the corner of the heart, whose existence I never knew of. 

And then, days like today happen.